Chocolate Depression

The Thin Veneer of Civilised Life

2005-09-02T17:13:00.000+10:00

I know the whole world is talking about the disaster in New Orleans but I felt I have to say something about what is happening to a number of people there. The roving gangs of looters - I can understand looting. The motive is greed. Ordinary good people Im sure often feel greed. But rape? The gangs are targeting young women & raping them. What is that all about? Is this a male thing that its only that thin veneer that keeps a small percentage of them of just raping women?

If anyone is reading, your opinions are welcome

Eek!

2005-07-09T11:34:00.000+10:00

got my liver function blood tests back on Friday & I think those cold water extraction methods may exaggerate the degree to which the paracetemol/acetamenophen can be filtered out. Im glad I started on the program. The doc said 'you may be a suitable candidate for treatment' (*** name the movie that was subtitled with that phrase ***). Not with my history of depression I wouldnt.
Im not feeling as 'perky' as I was at the beginning of the week. The doc put my bup up to 10mg, I didnt even feel it this time so I imagine the 'high' period is over.

I think I forgot my morning meds on Wed because I woke up Thursday morning with uncontrollable trembling & my teeth were clattering together so hard I thought they would break. I was hyperventilating & got a paper bag to breathe in but it didnt help. After about 1/2 I wondered if I should call an ambulance. Then I remembered I had not been sure about the med box for Wed morning. When I had gone to take them the compartment was empty & I was really sure I had not taken them. I took my morning meds & 4mg xanax & some phenergan & in about 30 mins I was starting to settle down.
That fucking lamotragine will do you in powerfully if you forget & take double or none of the dose!

Things are looking up!

2005-07-05T19:47:00.000+10:00

well finally there is some light at the end of the tunnel that is not the headlights of an oncoming train (guess the poet I stole that line from - nobody bothered with my previous 'guess challenge'.)
The wife left for overseas yesterday so its nude tap dancing while eating gallons of icecream for the next 2 weeks for me!! Yeah, the icecream part is believable but not the rest.
But! I have taken a turn for the better. The addition of a small dose of cipramil to my avanza had me dancing the dying swan routine from the nutcracker suite while singing songs from Oklahoma. Now, my pdoc may call that hypomania but I call it an expression of joy at finally feeling the dawn of myself 'rebecoming' (partial novel/book ref there to guess if you're up to it dear reader).
Also got myself on the bup program so no more trolling the pharmacies for otc drugs I can cook up into a bare bones juice that barely touched the edges.

Words

2005-06-02T16:48:00.000+10:00

This is such a difficult medium. Its too easy to say things that seem
all wrong to whoever reads them because you're both talking about something
different. There are no other signals that we usually rely on. I think Im
going to refrane from posting comments on other people's blogs as Ive already
managed to alienate 2 people & its not like I frequent a lot of blogs.

"Smile an everlasting smile, a smile can bring you near to me.
Don't ever let me find you down, cause that would bring a tear to me.
... Talk in everlasting words, and dedicate them all to me...
I'm here if you should call to me ... You think that I don't even mean
a single word I say. It's only words, and words are all I have
..."

Guess the song I ripped this from

Happy Birthday part 2

2005-05-24T16:18:00.000+10:00

Every year since leaving home, a bit over 25 years, my sister has always called me up on my birthday. This year she didnt. I got a very brief email a few days later saying basically 'happy birthday'. Since Ive been depressed she has been extremely distant. Ive received 2 phone calls from her in the last couple of years. The last call was because there was something wrong with her computer. Its not even that its a long distance call etc. She lives about a 40 minute drive away. I miss her kids, they are growing up so fast at their age. I wish she would make an effort sometimes. I could count on one hand the number of times she has come to visit me in the last 10 years. Before I got sick I would drive over at least once per month to see them. One part of my thinks it's because she's scared when Im depressed that I will kill myself as I did make an attempt during my 1st period of depression about 25 years ago but none since then. Also I accidently OD'd at my mothers place when staying there for a few months & before my sister had left home. I think she thought it might have been deliberate but it wasnt.
I wish my sister cared about me. She tells me she loves me when we talk. When we used to talk. I get the occasional email that is just very matter of fact & perfunctory. I refuse to be a victim in this & am trying to distance myself from my expectations in regard to this. She is the way she is. Does she love me? I dont know. Maybe she does as much as she is able. We both have some pretty bad emotional battle scars from our childhood

Happy Birthday part 1

2005-05-24T16:02:00.000+10:00

had my birthday since my last post. It was surprisingly pleasant. Usually I loathe it & refuse to go along with any acknowledgment of it (apart from the presents that is).
My best friend L came over with her gf L (yes 2 of them) & their 3 year old son. My friends gf gave me a throw she had hand quilted herself. Usually I dont find them very appealing, the patchwork things, but this one was mainly dark green which is my favourite colour & there were different textures in a lot of the patches & it was so well made I felt so honoured that she gave it to me.
Then I started thinking about it & realised that my friend & I kind of stopped the obligatory birthday present thing years ago with the occasional gift only. The gf & I barely know each other.
In the past Ive seen & experienced my friend insisting very strongly for days on end that she be allowed to give one of my belongings to someone else as a present to a friend of hers because 'it is just so perfect for them'. Years ago I had a jacket that she decided would be the most perfect birthday present for someone I barely knew & eventually just get some peace I gave in. (Things would be very different today).

Anyway I started to feel bad because this patchwork throw must have taken a long time to make so perfectly & Im sure the gf wouldnt have done it with me in mind as the recipient. Also she had an extremely subdued reaction to how impressed I was & my joy in receiving such a beautiful gift. I hope that's not what happened. I did fix her laptop for her so it could be that she had already made it & decided to give it to me but that doesnt explain her strange response & mood.

Avanza kicking in

2005-05-14T13:08:00.000+10:00

Ive been taking the Avanza for about 3 weeks I think now & there is a bit of a shift happening. Im not going back to bed during the day & dont feel the overwhelming need to be dead anymore. Well not to the degree I had been recently. Of course the doc is still recommending the ect but now Im hoping the avanza will stall that option. From the experience of the last couple of years the beneficial effect will wear off after a period of several weeks or a few months & then Im back where I started. Its all so boring. If I can force myself to pick up a brush then painting will produce its own momentum with me & I am away from myself for a while. The past couple of weeks I couldnt keep on even when I managed to make a start

God Fuck!!

2005-05-03T20:21:00.000+10:00

I cant stand it, Ive fallen down the black hole tonight. Im so tired of fighting this fucking thing which is me. I feel a great need to be dead. Im sure that's not normal. Im trying to convince my SO that Im ok so she can leave me & go overseas to her homeland for a couple of weeks or so. Her dad is very sick with cancer & probably hasnt got long. She's insisting that she cant leave me & Im trying to tell her she can. I'll be ok, Im doing well, I can get the outreach people or community nurse to come in & check on me etc etc. Ive just about got her convinced but now Im going downhill Im finding it hard to hide. Im doing desperate, pathetic things like trying to get as much codeine without the evil extras into me as possible but its no longer helping

Have you ever been Shocked?

2005-05-03T17:40:00.000+10:00

If you've had ECT or someone close to you has would you be so kind as to leave a comment here on its effect?

Im not going well, the depression is eating away at me. Most days over the last couple of weeks I go back to bed & staying there. My doc is at a loss for med options - we've been through them all. He always comes back to the ECT option. Im not as violently opposed to it as I was.
Lately Ive begun to think maybe I should give it a go. Plenty of other depressed people do it. When I was in the hospital half the people on the ward were having it. I asked a few of them if they thought it was helping. They all stared off into the distance for a little while before saying: "I dont know". That wasnt very encouraging.

From what Ive read the problem I think I will face, apart from the memory loss around the time of the shocks; will be the beneficial effect wearing off. Apparently all people having it have to have some sort of maintenance treatment to avoid relapse. This is usually antidepressants but for me, we already know the fucken drugs dont work so that will leave me with maintenance ECT. That's not going to be fun. I wont be able to go back to work but it could be that at least I wasnt feeling like Im already dead.

I have something resembling a phobia when it comes to hospitals & doctors doing there thing with me. There have been a couple of occasions in the past when Ive lost it seeing a doc approach me with a needle & Ive lost control & kicked them in the testicles. It was just a survival mechanism kind of response in me. I felt really bad about it after. They both slapped me too! I would need to be heavily sedated before they started their thing on me. Before putting me on the gurney, before wheeling me into the electric chamber & putting in IVs. I didnt talk to them about that when I was there & they were asking me if I would consider it.

All I know is I really dont want to fucking have it. The general anaesthetics, the shocks, the brain damage that according to some studies does sometimes especially if you arent really young can be permanent. Im talking about lingering memory loss & some loss of cognitive ability

Falling Down

2005-04-25T14:38:00.000+10:00

yesterday I felt worse than I have in a long time. It was such an unbearable feeling just being here, living. No amount of pills helped. I ended up just going to bed with my headphones on & try to get into the music or just try to focus enough to even hear it. I use organic beatless ambient for those times but I found I couldnt focus on it much for it to help. I think if I was a slasher I would have really damaged myself yesterday. Ive never done that - I wonder if it does help with the torment.

2005-04-24T17:48:00.000+10:00

For Cat Lovers

Comments People Make

2005-04-14T11:28:00.000+10:00

blogger emails me when someone leaves a comment. It contains the text of the comment & the name of the poster but it doesnt fucken let me know which post it is in reply too! If its to an old post I have to check through each & every post trying to find the comment. This is a pain in the arse & a major flaw in bloggers functionality.
However, please dont let this stop anyone from making comments on old posts. It kind of makes me feel as if I really exist when people stop by & comment.

Paul Hester RIP

2005-04-14T10:48:00.000+10:00

I just found out a couple of days ago that Paul, the drummer from Crowded House hung himself in the park near his home. This park is very near to me so it makes me feel a little closer to him at the time he must have taken his life. Went out to walk the dogs as usual then hung himself. I can understand doing that, the torment that pushes you to that but it is such an incredibly selfish act. The "loved ones" never get over it.
If anyone reading my blog feels that they are about to suicide please ring your doctor or go to the emergency room at the hospital. The desire to die will pass just like everything else. Try to remember you didnt always feel this way so you wont continue to feel this way forever. Im babbling so will stop now but please, whoever reads this, dont do it.

FUCK!

2005-04-13T18:09:00.000+10:00

2005-03-22T15:21:00.000+11:00

I cant take anymore of this

The Abyss is opening up again

2005-03-12T12:26:00.000+11:00

Im going downhill, I can feel it. Im also being harrassed by someone at my old employer . Im still officially employed just out on sick leave & this bitch is demanding access to my medical records.

blah

2005-03-10T12:08:00.000+11:00

Im pretty fucked up these last few days. Been taking to my bed in the afternoons. Im out of narcotics but they werent really helping much anyway lately. That's a bad sign. Im not particularly suicidal just sliding down the black hole.
Someone else has closed his blog. He was in so much pain. I hope he finds some peace.

Currently Watching

2005-02-23T11:00:00.000+11:00

Home Room. It made me cry. I never cry. I must have been feeling sentimental.
Not bad, well acted & edited. 6/10 from me.

Hunter S. Thompson R.I.P.

2005-02-22T16:07:00.000+11:00

Its Boring

2005-02-22T16:03:00.000+11:00

someone on blogexplosion rated every area of my blog a 1 with an overall comment: 'boring'. Lord! Boring doesnt get even close. If it were only boring, that I could stand. No, it's not boring. It's a yawning cavern of complete & utter meaninglessness! Boredom is sublime in my world.
They liked my choice in music though.

Why does evey post need a title?

2005-02-21T22:28:00.000+11:00

Saw the pdoc this morning. He is so good. After a 20 years of psychiatrist horror stories I finally find a true man of science & man of reason. Unfortunately also he seems set on the idea that I am bipolar. Not the classic bipolar that is the new userfriendly name for manic-depression. No, there are new, controversial classifications now within the field.
Some rogues are saying there are bipolar spectrum illnesses. That means my depression is not plain old unipolar depression. Its something that needs other lines of treatment. Mood stabilisers. Before hospital late last year I tried several one after the other. They all made me piss myself to some degree. Also I have one eye that doesnt work very well & these meds made it start to turn: have a life of its own. If these things were not enough to make me depressed psychologically I dont know what is. Oh & the uncontrollable trembling of my hands made painting impossible - well I suppose I could still slap paint on paper but it just wouldnt be the same.

Today he brought up the mood stabilisers again. He has shown me some literature on bipolar depression & it does sound uncannily like me goddamn it! Ive only had the pleasure of being manic when its been drug induced but this also fits. Antidepressants have a few times given me a day or 2 of a really good high. He said I had every right to feel cheated having never had the amazing highs to go with the lows that full bipolar people do.

Ive started a very small ssri dose today to see if it will bump me up a bit. I managed to eat 2 pieces of fruit today but after I came home around midday I went to bed & spent the rest of the day sleeping. I havent done that for a very long time.

The wife, who isnt going OS it seems; cooked dinner. She does everything. It must be so hard on her. I was always the taking care kind of one in the relationship. I would do most of the cooking. It would really kill me if this drove her away.

Jhonn Balance R.I.P.

2005-02-19T12:41:00.000+11:00

Jhonn Balance of Coil passed away due to an accident at home in November last year. I just discovered this tragic information & even though Im a few months late I want to send my condolences to his loved ones & the other fans of his work.
"Musick to Play in the Dark Vol 1" is one of my favourite albums of all time.
"... are you loathesome tonight? ..." "... your madness shining bright ..."
Are You Shivering & Broccoli are beautiful atomospheric works.

This is also one of my favourites:
"Unnatural History II, Smiling in the Face of Perversity"

It seems to still be available from amazon at least:

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There will be no more.

the darkness descends again

2005-02-17T21:17:00.000+11:00

god whats going on I feel so tormented by the horrors of life & I cant
turn it off or distract myself because the thought of pain, suffering
& anguish wont leave me. I feel as if Im living on borrowed time. The time
is ticking by & I dont know exactly when the horror will start, only that it will.
I am ruled by fear. I didnt always feel like this. Back when I was doing lots of
yoga & meditation these things & possibilities didnt fill me with dread.

Currently Listening

2005-02-16T16:03:00.000+11:00

Im really enjoying listening to Jorge Ben an old album from the early 70's that's been re-released I think. Its a mix of Brazillian funk with loads of 70's & 80's African funk beats. If you like African funk & Brazillian music you will love this one.

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whats up with amazon's image sizing? Its gone haywire!
Well, I wont ad anymore until its fixed. But how long am I supposed to wait Lord knows one day someone might actually want to buy a copy of the cd or whatever I link to & I would miss out on my 2c commission.

Managing to make myself do a bit of exercise is a good sign. Hopefully Im starting one of my good periods!

Currently Watching

2005-02-14T17:48:00.000+11:00

as the fluid build up in my feet has become hideous & moving is very uncomfortable (not that I do much moving) I watched a few movies yesterday.

Exorcist, The Beginning
I like the lead actor Stellan Skarsgard. The story is about the discovery of an
ancient temple to satan. Archaeologists uncover the temple & predictably the demon & all kinds of mayhem ensue. Its made well enough, acting is good, script is ok. Its just pretty ordinary. Worth the effort on tv when there is nothing better to choose from. My advice is dont pay to see it. Overall from me 6/10

Alien Vs Predator
This was better than I thought it would be. Dan O'Bannon has writing credits on this
& he did on the original Alien movie. There is an interesting back story that is
only very basically explored as an idea to hang the action & fight scenes on. Its
also ok to watch on free to air or downloaded when there's nothing else on. Its reasonable entertainment, well made, well acted & well edited. Overall Id give it 6/10.

Yesterday I bent down to give my cat a scrinch & heard that unmistable sound of the arse seam in your pants ripping all the way up (& down). That was my last pair of pants that fit. I am more fat than I have ever been in my entire life

I knew it wouldnt last

2005-02-13T23:06:00.000+11:00

everytime I start to feel a little bit better I try not to cling on to the hope that this time I wont slide back down the chute into the shitpool I find myself in most of the time. Its not normal to desire death, I know that. Im not actively suicidal but I just cant think of anything that makes this thing called living so special that people cling to it so tightly.
Im going to have to back off on the meds a bit; Ive got fluid retention so bad when I walk I feel like the skin on my feet is going to split. It's not a nice sensation. I dont need physical discomfort on top of the mental.
I try to take an interest in other people that have caught my attention & I find something or other special about them. That keeps me being totally self absorbed. Catching up & reading gets to be a bit of an effort at times & then I fall out of touch. I dont want to do that. I read other blogs & I usually dont comment unless I feel a connection. I worry that I have a tendency to lecture people when I comment & I hate it when people do that to me. Advice is fine if you've been where I am. In fact it can be very helpful & I appreciate it when people who have had similar experiences give it. When people who think depression is just a matter of 'putting on a happy face' or 'faking it till you make it' need to educate themselves a little before offering their platitudes.

The meds

2005-02-07T17:40:00.000+11:00

Im up to 110mg of nortriptyline & its not making much difference. Not so far anyway. Im not too bad these last several days though. Been managing to get some painting done occasionally & that always helps me feel much better. The new DHC supply isnt making that much difference either. I think I need to save my drugs for my really low periods when they are most needed & most efficacious in every way (name that tune!!).

I just found out the wife may be going overseas again for work! She always frets & worries about this & leaving me alone etc whereas I feel like Im about to explode with excitement at the thought of the house all to myself. I can spread my paints, brushes & other accoutrements about the place with wild & gleeful abandon! I wont wash my hair. I will wear the same clothes day in day out. I wont eat real food just icecream!!! That's one where I will have to do a lot of convincing that I will eat properly. I will let my cat lick my plate or bowl whenever she likes. Yay!!! All the movies I want to see. All the music I love & she hates I will play LOUDLY! Whoohooo!!! Party time!
Lets keep our fingers crossed that it all pans out

Saw my pdoc yesterday

2005-02-02T13:01:00.000+11:00

we are going to keep increasing the nortriptyline as far as I can tolerate it past 100mg. Last time this happened I didnt even get past 90mg before I had this continuous crushing sensation in my chest. As if someone was standing on it. Very unpleasant because it just wouldnt let up for a minute.
Im feeling so much better anyway due to a new supply of vaguely narcotic pills. These are my wonder cure for depression. While they last I will have some semblance of a life.

Have to get some blood levels done. Liver - hope its a lot less unhappy than the last tests showed. Thyroid - to see if the reduced dose of thyroxine has brought tsh & the levels back down to a more normal count.

Ive got to go to the bank. Ive needed to for 2 weeks. A late tax return cheque. Money for god's sake & I still cant get it together to deposit it.

Meds update

2005-01-31T14:18:00.000+11:00

I keep forgetting or cant be bothered to update what I am now taking (prescribed that is). Ive gone up to 100mg (as of last night, was on 90 for 3 days prior) on nortriptyline, 300mg on seroquel.
The increase in nortriptyline has given me bad fluid retention - my fingers are all swollen & I can get my shoes on. Im taking 20mg of lasix but it doesnt seem to help. I remember last time I got up to this dose the fluid retention was scary. The tops of my feet had a huge bubble of fluid on them, I could even feel my scalp all stretched by the fluid there. ergh very disgusting & uncomfortable.

I suppose I dont really have to mention that the increase doesnt seem to be helping with the depression. Maybe I need an ssri in there too. Im seeing my doc tomorrow & will see what he thinks.

My body hurts

2005-01-31T11:55:00.000+11:00

Ive run out of all pills of a narcotic nature. I am in withdrawal. I cant think of anything else to write. Here's another trackback link to Craig:
http://web.aanet.com.au/neuraxon77/wp-trackback.php/79

I have no idea what one is supposed to do with them

I am feeling a lot better since last night.

2005-01-30T13:30:00.000+11:00

Still Here

2005-01-29T14:43:00.000+11:00

how the hell do these trackback things work?
anyway here's one that went backatcha
http://web.aanet.com.au/neuraxon77/wp-trackback.php/76

Maybe it wasnt the Effexor

2005-01-28T22:59:00.000+11:00

Ive had it. Im overcome with the desire to top myself. I cant see the point in hanging on anymore it just gets worse. Its over 2 years now. I cant even paint today. What has always stopped me before is my partner & how awful it would be. I dont care anymore. Ive reached a level of selfishness I didnt know I had in me but how long can I live like this just for the benefit of the people in my life.
Some might say I should go back into the hospital if I feel like this. I tell you most days I could have been dead for over 8 hours before anyone in there would have noticed & I would rather do it there so no loved one has to find me so I dont think hospital is a safe place unless its the ICU which Im not fucking interested in going back to. Being treated like a deranged infant. Fuck that. Fuck me. Fuck you.
I dont know whether to post this but it is my blog & this is my life today right now. If you dont like it dont read it!

Im still standing ...

2005-01-08T13:35:00.000+11:00

Thanks Gabe, getting the auto-email from your post made me feel good & got me back posting. Took me a week but it gets easier once I put finger to key (I wanted to say pen to paper but that doesnt apply anymore. How do we say it now? Finger to key? Finger tip to tap?). Anyway I digress.
How have I been? Im 4 or 5 days off Effexor. Took about 3 weeks to go from 600mg to nothing. No horror withdrawal symptoms that I was led to expect from what I read all over the net. My pdoc said coming off the XR (time released) version of it is not bad; it's the non-extended release version of the drug that produces the severe withdrawal.
I do have some discomfort - all over body soreness & the strange buzzing tingling sensation in my hands that I got when I went up from 450mg to 600mg of Effexor.
The last couple of weeks my mood hasnt been to bad in a way yet Ive been unable to function. Been taking to my bed in the early afternoon. Couldnt get a shower for about 2 weeks - makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it is a good indicator of my level of functioning.

The last 3 or 4 days Ive started painting again but that coincides with me getting my hands on some hydro. Even thought its nowhere near as effective as dhc on my mood it does provide some help.

Post Effexor Comments on it's effect on suicidal ideation:
now Im off the drug my suicidal thoughts have returned to the kind Ive been used to dealing with when Im depressed. I can say without any doubt that while taking the drug my suicidal thoughts took on an extreme quality that I have never experienced even when at my most suicidal. What I mean by this is that even though I may have been very close to deciding to top myself in the past the thoughts/compulsion/urge never resembled the nature of those thoughts/urges while on Effexor. It was a completely different experience & it was extremely powerful.
I think anyone taking this drug should be very careful if they start to experience suicidal thoughts that are different in quality to those they may be used to experiencing & handling effectively when very depressed. Talk to your doc immediately. If you get a 'drugs cant cause thoughts' response dont dismiss the possibility that the med is doing this to you. I got this from the doc treating me with the Effexor but when I talked to my old pdoc he said that 'we know some of these drugs can increase suicidal thoughts'. If you start having overwhelming suicidal feelings/urges talk to your doc asap & if you think it's pushing you to the edge my advice is tell him you want to stop taking it immediately.

The Plan:
Thursday I start duloxetine (called cymbalta in USA). Not sure what dose. Im not placing much hope on it but from what Ive read it is a very powerful Noradrenaline as well as Serotonin (we call norepinephrine noradnaline here) reuptake inhibitor which is something new & different. Effexor is only a mild norepinephrine rui & the Prof tells me that it is this neurotransmitter that is now being thought of as playing a greater role in depression (maybe only some kinds I seem to recall him saying something like that).
Its this aspect that makes me bother giving it a go.

Currently Watching

2004-12-17T13:44:00.000+11:00

2001 A Space Odyssey.

Im a bit shocked to see 10 days has gone by since my last entry! 600mg Effexor does truly scary things to the memory & powers of cognition. Ive been down to 450mg since Monday & feel like my mind is back online.
So far no withdrawal problems apart from migraines. I have drugs that work very well for those but cant take them frequently or I start bleeding internally. I may have to see my pdoc at the hospital for something else if they continue. None of the dreaded 'electric shocks' Ive read about but there is a long way to go yet.
Mood wise I have been very flat. Going back to bed in the early afternoon just to hibernate & make the time pass. Though under the influence of a hefty dose of codeine Ive manage to do a little painting at times which is huge - amazing how opiates lift even the most depressed a little higher.
Ive neglected my fellow bloggers that I like to keep up with so will have to make up for that.

Dave mentioned practicing his vipassana meditation helped so Im going to give it a go. I think the warnings against it when depressed are for those whose self-esteem etc are really fragile.

Thanks to all of you who dropped by & left a message - it really dose make a difference!

First Night Back Home

2004-12-07T22:07:00.000+11:00

discharged from the hospital today. Im supposed to see how the next week being at home goes now Ive been on 600mg Efexor for a week. The last few days Ive lost all my energy & the shred of motivation & interest that I had. Im also day 2 off lamotrigine so maybe there is something going on there.
The Plan:
I go back in a week to see them & if Im not feeling any shift then I come off the Efexor & take part in a clinical trial for duloxetine aka Cymbalta in the USA where it's already through the DEA & being used. I hold out no hope for feeling better at all next week nor for this new drug.

Its weird being home. I went to bed for a couple of hours & just lay there. Then I got up & sat in my spot on the couch with my laptop on my knee. When my SO came home from work I just felt uncomfortable. I dont want to interact with anyone. I hate the hospital & now for the first time I hate being home. I feel like Im already dead.

Feeling better

2004-12-03T23:31:00.000+11:00

As of Monday night my Effexor was put up to 600mg. Yesterday (Thursday) I felt a lot better & managed to go out & go to the post office & go home for a few hours later in the afternoon.
We went out for dinner & it was great, just the way things used to be before I got sick.

The food was excellent as usual at this place. I had grilled scampi on a bed of ruby red grapefruit, finely sliced fennel & baby sundried tomatoes with a citrus oil dressing. Mmmmmm
Then, for dessert I had the home made chocolate croissant with chocolate fudge sauce & creme anglaise, with a single scoop of homemade vanilla icecream. mmmmm
Its hard coming back to hospital food after treats like that

Update on the Tricky Situation

2004-12-03T23:19:00.000+11:00

this guy & I had sorted out all the details & arrangements, quantities etc. We had the day agreed upon & I was going to give him a bit extra $ to cover his travel to & from a meeting place that I would choose & let him know the night before. I havent heard from him since then, the arranged day has come & gone & I never received an email agreeing to the negotiations or trying to change the way it would be done. This is odd because I would often receive 3 emails per day from him as we sorted out the details.
My guess is either his supplier couldnt come through or he was bullshitting me the whole time seeing how far Id go, most likely with the intention of getting me to give him my money with nothing in return.

Currently Listening

2004-11-30T11:50:00.000+11:00

Godspeed You! Black Emperor 'The Dead Flag Blues'

Ive only recently discovered their music & LOVE it! Of course
this particular song is something of a depression mantra but it
resonates with me very strongly at this time & that's what makes
good music.
Cant be fucked doing an allmusic or amazon link for it yet so if you're
interested anyone out there either come back later or look it up for
yourself. It's described as symphonic 'post-rock'. Dont let the term
'rock' put you off. It's certainly not rock in any sense of the word.

Edited Feb 16 to put link in to F# A# Infinity album from which is the one the song appears on. This is pure genius in its unique voice.

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Today

2004-11-29T18:16:00.000+11:00

Here I am at the bottom of the lake, gently undulating among the weeds,
letting out the occasional bubble. My vision clouded by the silt stirred
up from the murky bottom. The bottom keeps getting deeper & I slowly sink
along with it.

Ive been watching the clip of Freddie Mercury (may he RIP) & Montserrat Cabal
singing Barcelona at the opening of the Barcelona olympics on repeat all day.
" I had this perfect dream ...." "... I wish my dream would never go away ..."

At least Ive gone beyond any capability of suicidal thought or action. I seem
to be slipping beyond any engagement with my world at all. Didnt go home on
Sunday for the day. That's usually been the highlight of my week. I didnt want
to get out of bed. I cant take it any more.
My Efexor has been increased to 525mg for several days now but Im plummeting
into the depression abyss. Saw my pdoc an hour ago & told him - he & the professor
will see me tomorrow & go over options. Of course ECT is their preferred option
for a rapid improvement. I told him about the seizure I had during the only
general anaesthetic Ive ever had which makes me fearful of them. He said
the anaesthetist would have to see me & decide if ECT would be an option
then. Needless to say I dont fancy the idea of it at all.

my experiments

2004-11-25T23:02:00.000+11:00

this evening in my '4 star hotel' like hospital room I conducted a series of experiments using the power cord from my laptop in order to see if I could (if I so wished) theoretically hang myself. The only thing in the room I could suspend the cord from was the cross-beam between the legs on my chair. I tried this & there wasnt enough room between the beam & the floor for the size of my head.
After a lot of thinking I came up with another idea. This time I put the loop of the slip knot around my neck again but tied a small loop in the other end of the cord. I then put my foot into this small loop in the end of the cord. The cord is fairly short so my leg was bent & by leaning back only slightly I could cause a lot of pressure to be exerted upon my throat. Im pretty sure that with some trial & error this method could prove successful. Positioning would be important because upon losing consciousness one mustnt be able to fall to one side thereby releasing the pressure.

This was not a suicide attempt, it was an exploration of possibilities & no more than that. So if anyone is actually reading this blog I dont want you getting all freaked out

tricky situation

2004-11-24T14:22:00.000+11:00

I think Im getting into some trouble but somehow I cant resist going along with this. Someone has been courting my patronage via email in a prescription drug racket. The basics are he will supply me with a few hundred doses of a certain medication for which I will pay him a substantial amount of money. Now, there are a few things that worry me apart from the basic illegality of this. The signs are there that I am being scammed however he has agreed to cover the cost & basically cod meeting me somewhere public. Initially the deal was I would have to front the money which I refused to do & he was fine with it & said he was just trying to help me out etc. Now though, he is pressing with time constraints - he is going on holiday next week, the supplier can only access for another couple of weeks, we have to do the deal in the next few days ...... blah blah. So, why the rush all of a sudden since not hearing from him for a month or more after the initial proposition? Also he was complaining about his dr not being willing to prescribe him a certain med so if his buddy can get them why doesnt he just get them from him?
The desire to 'self - medicate' my depression is quite strong & it's clouding my judgement to some degree, but it would be nice ......

WTF?

2004-11-24T14:13:00.000+11:00

well things are not going well. Its been a few days since Ive been up to catching up here.
I dropped out of the cbt program after 2 days because I just didnt have it in me to concentrate or take part. Following this development in my stay here in the hospital my supposedly crack psychiatric team decided a 2nd opinion was needed. Fair enough I thought.
What this turned out to be was me in a room with 4 psychiatrists, one: my usual pdoc along with 2 other staff shrinks plus the master of puppets: some pdoc who is supposed to be more 'psychoanalytical' in approach & whose expert diagnostic skills were being employed. Immediately upon hearing them say 'psychoanalytical' my bullshit detector started to ping.
So, I sat there for just over an hour with the other 3 remaining in total silence staring at me while this ass questions me a little on my childhood & relationships but most of the hour was spent on my sexual orientation!!!! Now, I am in a same sex relationship as they know but WTF? Ive no problem with it, I like guys sometimes too but how is this relevant to suffering from what they have diagnosed as biological depression?. I was co-operative & answered all their questions but am really NOT impressed with this. If this is their best shot at treating me then Im wasting my time & they are clutching at straws.
Havent seen my pdoc today to tell him what I think of this & to ask if it did indeed help them in deciding how to further treat my depression.

------------------------
Update:
spoke to my pdoc & told him I thought the whole interview setup had been a 'nasty little dynamic'. He seemed surprised that I would see it that way! Who are these people??? I think they become psychiatrists because they are fascinated by human behaviour. They are fascinated by it because they dont really experience it the way most of the rest of us do. I know Im making sweeping derogatory statements about the profession of psychiatry but its my blog & I'll say what I like!
So, after asking my pdoc if there were any pearls of wisdom from our own little herr doktor freud he said 'yes'. He then told me that the doc had thought that because Im bisexual (his description of me, not necessarily mine) there may be a problematic undercurrent in my relationship that has gone unspoken of & therefore undealt with & thus damaging. This problem stemming from his imagined view that my partner probably worries that a man may come along & steal me away from her. I stifled a snort of derision as I informed my pdoc that my partner is far more staunchly bisexual than I am. The only question dr freud asked about my partner during the session with him was her name & from that he comes up with this as a possible area that therapy could be of help.
Give me a fucken break please!

Have I made a big mistake??

2004-11-14T09:55:00.000+11:00

in a few hours Im supposed to turn up at the hospital to start my 3 weeks there for the cbt program & also to tweak my meds. Im now doubting my wisdom in agreeing to this proposition. I also wonder at my capacity to actively take part in the sessions because I am still seriously depressed. At least I can have the laptop & dialup like last time so I wont be out of touch with the world.

BUT part of me is starting to say 'it wont work anyway, nothing ever does. It's just more false hope that you're giving in to. You're better off at home in a safe environment where I can find things to pass the time a bit. And last but not least, augment my official meds with some not so official additives that really do help enormously. I have given up hope that anything is going to help me. Eventually the depression will resolve itself all Ive got to do is hang in there until it does.
Meanwhile Im losing everything I worked so hard for. My career, my relationship, my own self esteem etc

Everything was going so well ... why did it have to fuck up? Some might say it was a form of self-sabotage. That would come from those who place some importance in the pseudo-science of psychology & its nice bag of labels it comes with. All they need to do is run the tests that tell them what label to stick on the person's forehead & they've done their job. Yes, they've done it & can go home satisfied that they've helped another poor fucker today.

This is not a personal attack on any psychologists. Some of my best friends are psychologists

SCOTT PETERSON GUILTY!!!!!!!

2004-11-13T08:56:00.000+11:00

at last!
This man is the scum of the earth. I dont believe in the death penalty
but it's cases like this that would certainly qualify for it where
it is an option.
I hope it brings some small comfort to Laci's family although it
will be a hollow victory, at least justice has been served for Laci & her son.

Today - just as blah as yesterday

2004-11-12T17:49:00.000+11:00

Currently Watching:

Adaptation Ive seen this movie once before & really enjoyed it
a lot. I sort of think that having seen it already will help me
follow it. My concentration span is so short that usually a 2hr
movie is no fun to watch because Im always trying to work my
way back to understand what has just occurred.
I wonder if there is something deeply meaningful to me hidden in
this longwinded post. Usually I just say:
'Currently Watching/Listening/Reading' & the subject.

A couple of quotes I liked from the movie:
"...adaptation is a profound process it's like learning how to
survive in the world."

"what I came to understand was that change was not a choice"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Later Today:

Im becoming more & more afraid of leaving the house.

Currently Listening:

Roedelius as Introspection 'SelfPortrait VIII'

Currently Watching

2004-11-11T14:11:00.000+11:00

Greta Van Susteren is covering the 2nd juror change in 2 days in the Scott Peterson murder trial. She is 'on the scene' there in Redwood for the trial. Yesterday the media was gathered outside the home of the dismissed juror; questioning her neighbours for any personal info they might have on her etc. The media is becoming more & more voyeuristic, invading the private lives of people who have been innocently involved in tragedy & mayhem. I must confess that I love watching it; which does make me feel a little bit guilty.

Today so far ....

2004-11-10T11:34:00.000+11:00

Im starting to get quite antsy about going back into the hospital. It just doesnt feel right. Last time (a few weeks ago) there were very good reasons to do it: to take me off my antidepressants. My pdoc had already started titrating them down & I was getting much worse until a few days before my arranged admission date I found myself seriously contemplating suicide & was checked into their ICU nearly a week early.

Now, I loathe hospitals, I fear them! But at that time I could see it was the best choice to make. Now Im nowhere near that low. Before I left it was arranged that I would check in again around this time just for a few days so I can be reviewed & have my meds tweaked if necessary. They recommended the CBT program they run & I (in a moment of insane pragmatism) decided to commit myself to doing it even though it is a 3 week inpatient course.
Also I think they are going to have to change my meds a bit anyway as Im still quite depressed & this itching thing has got to go.
So, Im finding myself thinking up good reasons why I shouldnt do this program.
Intellectually, I know studies show it really helps reduce the likelihood of relapse
& helps to stop it getting too severe if one does relapse & that is a very big
carrot on a stick for me at this time. But emotionally, it's going to be (it already is) very hard to leave home again for the hospital environment

Currently Watching:

Escape from the Planet of the Apes

Currently Listening

2004-11-10T10:38:00.000+11:00

I kept changing cds after about 30 seconds each this morning. I just couldnt find anything that felt right. I hate it when that happens, especially if you still just cannot find something after 1/2 hour of jockeying. Anyway I ended up sorting through the cd pile with the most dust on it & came across Talk Talk 'Laughing Stock'.
I havent played this for well over a year & had forgotten just how much I love it. For me it is one of my top 20 of all time. If you've never heard it AllMusic.com has some samples from most tracks. Unfortunately Amazon dont have any samples but you can still pick it up 2nd hand for reasonable prices & it is quite a masterpiece.
Im not that much into 'rock' or anything that is generally classified as 'rock'. Cut a long story short, this isnt really 'rock'. OMG I cant stop saying 'rock'.
Must be quiet now.

Currently Listening

2004-11-08T22:35:00.000+11:00

Fila Brazillia 'Maim that Tune' Very laid back groove on this one; I like it a lot. It's more of an 'entertaining friends' kind of beat driven ambient music that sets a smooth & mellow feeling.

Check it out at Amazon: Fila Brazillia - Maim that Tune

Im also am 1/2 way through my 2nd packet of Dutch licorice.

Rules of Attraction

2004-11-08T13:15:00.000+11:00

oh I just flicked the box on & this movie had been going for about 15 mins & there is a young woman in a bath slitting her wrists with a razor blade. The camera focuses for what seems 5 minutes on her face as she experiences such terrible anguish.
God, suicide is such a tragedy; especially for those left behind.

Mood Today:
quite a bit brighter thankfully. Was going to ring my hospital pdoc to discuss this terrible itching but decided I may as well wait till I see him next week.

Currently Listening

ThighPaulSandra 'I, ThighPaulSandra' disc one again. The 1st track tends to be a bit too all over the place for me; some bits are brilliant but the rest of the album is great. There's a link to it on amazon below this post somewhere if anyone is interested in listening to some snippets. If you're a Coil, Current93 or industrial, ambient fan you will like it.
I got 4 other cds in this batch but still havent listened to them yet. I'll try to review them a bit when I can.

Arghhh Im itchy!!!!!!!!!!

2004-11-07T14:37:00.000+11:00

Ive been itching all over for a couple of weeks now but bravely ignoring it apart from the sudden frenzied scratching attacks. Well, this morning (after spending yesterday in bed) I thought 'something is up here'. I suppose you can tell Im not that sharp these days. So, it took me several seconds to google & find that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of Efexor (is it one or two 'f's??) that are also tearing themselves to shreds on this drug.
Ive been taking phenergan which helps a tiny bit for a couple of hours but if I take to much in a day I start drooling at the mouth with my chin on my chest, snoring with abandon.

Currently Listening:

cars hiss by my window (now who can tell me what song I ripped that one from?) & no there is no special prize for guessing only the fact that you get to prove what a good memory you have (or how old you are).

This Morning

2004-11-06T11:07:00.000+11:00

My beloved partner is getting sick of my depression again I think though she would deny it. This morning she spat at me: 'Im doing everything anyway'. We were talking about options for getting our groceries today.
Depressed people need to be away from the rest of the world in some warm cave somewhere so we can hibernate in peace without guilt or shame or any of those other things that make us feel even worse than we already do. Maybe it is a good thing that I will be going back to the hospital. I dont want to. I want it all to stop here.
Where are the magic bullets? There are none. They will increase my Efexor to the max dosage (around 600mg I think) & that may pick me up for a while but it too will stop working pretty soon just like every other med Ive tried over the past 2 years.

Currently Listening

The hum my laptop's fan makes

good lord!

2004-11-05T17:57:00.000+11:00

Im watching some moron on Faux news called Dr Faverman or something like that who believes that everything we do (inluding who we vote for) depends on whether we are 'left' brained or 'right' brained people. He says that in coming elections this pearl of wisdom will be used to target voters because if a candidate is a 'left' brained person then 'left' brained voters will find themselves helplessly drawn to vote for that candidate. Hmmm .....
How about dull brained candidates attract dull brained voters & vice-versa??? That's my theory. Hey, that means I can write a book all about it & get interviewed on Faux news & pretend I know what Im talking about too!!!!

Currently Listening
the sound of peak hour traffic crawling past my window.
Sorry you cant get that one from Amazon (yet)

Cynicism

2004-11-05T15:45:00.000+11:00

I just stole these great quotes on cynicism from another persons blog. Too bad if they mind (Im in a mean mood today).

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows."
David T. Wolf (1943 - )

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

Blah ....

2004-11-05T14:47:00.000+11:00

got out of bed at 2pm today only because I could feel I was dehydrated & the fear of a migraine overcame my inertia. As I exited the bedroom our kitten (well he's not that much of a kitten anymore at 6 months) came to greet me. That was a moment of joy so Im not too depressed if I managed to feel that.

The US election result had been really concerning me & now it's over & the worst has happened & I couldnt give a fuck.

Bring on the wars I say!!! Lets rid the globe of the human pestilence!

A bad day alround today

2004-11-04T19:19:00.000+11:00

I hate it when those closest to me get angry about me being useless or lazy.
It never (well not often) comes out blatantly like that but it is there
because sometimes arguments will end up with statements of being sick of me
doing/not doing something; or that I dont even try even though Ive had
a week to get it done etc.
My SO had one of these this evening & she also took a verbal swipe at my best friend during this little bicker & she does that quite often lately. I know she doesnt like my friend but when she makes these comments it's as if she is trying to
somehow be nasty or hurtful towards me.
I dont understand this stuff. It would be so much easier to be far away
from everything & everyone & their expectations when Im depressed. The
expectations of everyone make it all so much harder & gives me constant
reminder that I have become a fuck-up & useless.
I think the depressed should be left alone

Still in Shock

2004-11-04T15:13:00.000+11:00

over the US election results. I dont have much more to say than that really.

Currently Listening

2004-11-04T10:52:00.000+11:00

this double cd arrived yesterday & Ive played it about 3 times & loving it! Very ambient with industrial influences & even some opera!

Liver Cancer Fastest Growing Cancer in U.S. - Report

2004-11-02T17:23:00.000+11:00

well this is thoroughly depressing news.
Ive had Hep C for about 22 years. I rarely drink alcohol at all thinking that will help protect me from the worst of the long term effects like advanced cirrhosis & cancer. It now looks like that isnt the case. I suppose the disease hasnt been identified for all that long which means there hasnt been enough information on the progression of the disease until recently.

I hate the thought of cancer. I regularly become obsessed with cancer; convinced I have it of one body part or another; or many parts, when Im convinced it has spread & Im looking death in the face. This has happened so often it has become a bit of a standing joke amongst those who know me well. Even I have to laugh a lot of the time.
I can usually calm myself down by rationalising that if I was 'riddled' (God, that word) with it I wouldnt be feeling ok at all therefore I must be ok. Or maybe its just not progressed as far as I thought it had. The last thing I need is a new cancer to be convinced Ive got. For the last 6 or 7 years is has been breast cancer sparked off by the death of 2 friends within a 6 months of each other from it.
Yes, I do know there is a word for people like me & I bristle at hearing it. I read a really funny book a few years ago called:
The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life & Death

which really made me laugh & ironically the author's hypochondria was resolved for him when he discovered he had Hep C! I wonder how he feels about that now?

My Biggest Fear Today

2004-11-02T15:24:00.000+11:00

is that George Bush will win the election.
I dont think I need to elaborate on why this makes me afraid

My pdoc & CBT

2004-11-02T13:58:00.000+11:00

he was concerned about this sore throat & tongue I have & sent me off to have some urgent blood tests to see if my white blood cells have fallen again. If they have that will be scary because I stopped taking the meds I was having the allergic reaction to a couple of weeks ago. Ive had many sore throats over the years but never a sore tongue - It makes me worry because it's an unknown I suppose.

When he brought up my going back into hospital to do the cbt program he sounded very dismissive of it. I know he is of the hard line, it's either biological or psychological school of thought, but cbt is (from what Ive read anyway) shown to be very effective in helping prevent relapse. I wish he was more open to the interaction between thoughts/feelings & brain chemistry. Not that I know much about it & he is an expert after all so maybe I should pay more attention to his opinion on this matter. I certainly dont want to spend another 3 weeks in the hospital unless it is absolutely going to be of some benefit to me.

Currently Listening:
Makyo 'Shringara'

Sunday & Family

2004-11-02T13:25:00.000+11:00

My sister & her hubby & kids came over on Sunday!!!
It was so good tosee them especially my sister. I wish we lived closer so I could drop inoften. It's only about 20km but it always seems so far.We went out for dinner & my gf came too. We had such a nice time butI was fighting hard to keep awake after we came home & chatted for another hour or so; it totally exhausted me.

Can Antidepressants Make Me Suicidal?

2004-10-31T13:10:00.000+11:00

I have just been reading about the new FDA requirement for all antidepressants to carry a black box (the strongest kind) warning of increased suicidal thoughts/behaviours in children & adolescents taking these drugs.

This idea has been kicking around for years I think; not only with regard to kids but adults as well. I always thought that what was happening was the antidepressants were lifting mood & energy levels enough for the person to act on these kinds of thoughts.

I know from my own experience that there is some truth to this. When I am at my absolute lowest I dont have any suicidal thoughts/feelings. Im not really having any thoughts & feelings, impulses etc at all. Its when I start to improve that the thoughts can kick in.

Now, what's making me wonder is this: once I started Efexor & the dose was ramped up to 450mg I suddenly began to have suicidal thoughts & impulses the like of which I have never experienced before. This is the first time Ive been on a 'high' dose of an SSRI or SNRI. Ive always had a very strong belief that it would never be acceptable for me to kill myself (having experienced first hand what that does to a family). But this time it was as if I had crossed the line without even being aware of it or there being a process of thought that got me there. These thoughts felt very alien & alarming & led in part to my recent stay in the hospital.

At the hospital I was lucky enough to be under the care of both the psychiatric registrar & the professor of psychiatry there (its a teaching hospital). I asked the professor about this change in the nature of my suicidal thoughts & he said that no drug can make you have a specific thought (makes sense to me). He then went on to talk about the increase in energy etc that allows someone to act out on the thoughts they are having etc.

Still, I really think this change wasnt due to increased energy or lifting of my mood enough to allow the thoughts/impulses to become stronger. I have been through this cycle many times over the last couple of years & am very familiar with the ways in which these thoughts arise & the exact nature of them.
Last week I asked my pdoc about it & whether this effect could be experienced by adults (Im way past adolescence - old enough to be the mother of an adolescent) too. His reply was that we now know that these drugs (especially the new ones: SSRIs) can increase suicidal thoughts in some people. He has also always made it clear to me that once my mood was starting to pick up a bit that was the 'danger' period in terms of suicide risk.
I cant imagine that the FDA could get drug companies to agree to these new warnings unless there was sufficient evidence of a link between the drugs & suicidality.

So, as is often the case there are conflicting views. The view of the professor whose area is mood disorders says no, the drugs cant cause thoughts per se of any kind. I have every confidence in his expertise & reputation. On the other hand I have the FDA & drug manufacturers' willingness to allow the warnings; the view of my extremely knowledgable pdoc & most compelling of all: my own experience of something that was definitely 'not me'.

Any other adults out there reading this have a similar experience? Please comment, I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

2004-10-29T15:26:00.000+10:00

Was listening to Ixohoxi 'Sommus'
now watching 'Solaris' (not Tarkovsky's)

Today so far ....

2004-10-29T13:22:00.000+10:00

Some good news:
my sister called last night. It was so good to hear from her & she was very concerned & loving. I told her about why I avoid letting her know when Im badly depressed & she reassured me that she is not scared & knows that Im not going to hurt myself or commit suicide. She said several times that she is always there for me & I can talk to her any time about anything. They (hubby & 2 daughters) are all coming over on the weekend & we will go out for dinner. Im really looking forward to that though no doubt I will need quite a bit of chemical support.

This morning still feeling flat, finding it hard to even put music on. I think Im going to need the Effexor dose maxed out, 450mg is pretty high but I think it's possible to go to about 600mg. As far as I know the only worry with that dose is the potential to cause high blood pressure.

It gets harder & harder to avoid self-medicating the worse I feel. That was another plus about being in the hospital. I havent taken any Rivotril in days but have been popping some heavy duty codeine instead. Hey, if it works its gotta be good right? Bandaid measures.

I just dont have it in me to go through another med trial that looks hopeful early on then poops out after several weeks no matter how high the does goes. That's been the pattern over the last 2 years. I keep trying to hang on to the hope that eventually the depression will resolve itself anyway. It's just a matter of hanging in there.

God, I wish I could do some drawing or painting - its such a great way to cope somehow but Im not even up to that - havent been for a few months now.
I think the downhill slide that began when my pdoc started to bring me off all the antidepressants has allowed it to get a much stronger foothold in me. The meds are fighting a much harder battle now than prior to that decline. Or maybe Im just trying to find reasons to explain what's going on. After all, understanding something makes it a lot less scary.

In hospital I tried to resume my practice & to seek refuge in the dhamma but it takes a lot more motivation & effort than I have. I think being able to listen to simple music is a way of trying to get out of myself that I can manage these days. Ive also heard but dont know whether to believe it that one shouldnt meditate when severely depressed. Anyone out there have some knowledge about this? I would think this wouldnt apply to yoga.

Currently Listening

Some beautiful Indian classical music. Zakir Hussain & Hariprasad Chaurasia 'Raga-s Du Nord Et Du Sud'

Currently Listening

2004-10-28T16:45:00.000+10:00

Nobukazo Takemura as 'Spiritual Vibes' & album of the same name. Exquisite downtempo, light & impossible to keep still to.

Anyone have any current info on how Marc Almond is going????

I really need to get an antihistamine of some sort, Im tearing my skin off with all this itchiness Im getting. Ive got some phenergen somewhere, I'll try to find it I think!

Currently Listening

2004-10-28T14:23:00.000+10:00

Azam Ali 'Portals of Grace' mmmmmmm

Its so good when Im able to actively listen to music. It's very therapeutic for me, I think the distraction from how Im feeling is a large part of it & if the music is beautiful it sinks in a bit & brightens my mood.

Also tried out the rumoured augmenting properties of taking your vitamins with a fizzy drink & a square of chocolate & can happily report that it's true it does work!

Yesterday afternoon I brought out my bag of pencils & some paper. There was a faint glimmer of desire there. Nothing came of it, but today Ive added a Chinese Painting book on painting trees to my little pile of hope.

Currently Listening

2004-10-28T13:38:00.000+10:00

Stars of the Lid 'the Tired Sounds of Stars of the Lid' disc 1

its very beautiful. The bass is making the floor vibrate

Family

2004-10-27T22:22:00.000+10:00

Usually I avoid telling my sister when Im depressed. She tends to express a lot of discomfort & reluctance to talk about it. I make excuses for her about this, thinking she is afraid I'll do something to myself like dear old dad. Ive hardly heared from her over this last year.
Today I emailed her & told her I had been in hospital. I played down the depression aspect & emphasised the problem with the meds that I had developed an allergy to so as not to give her too much of a fright.
This is the response I got:
-----
"Oh - you should have rung me. Anytime you need to talk - just ring please! Even if you don't have much to say - but need to know someone is there! I love you!!!! Don't worry about the girls - they love you too! We hoped to drop in over the weekend and perhaps have dinner somewhere near by - let me know if you are OK with this, otherwise maybe in early December ?

Will give you a ring tonight!"
-----
needless to say I didnt hear from her

Currently Listening

2004-10-27T15:15:00.000+10:00

Caul 'Hidden'
a little dark ambient to go with my mood.
I added a soma to the 300mg dhc which has done wonders

Currently Listening

2004-10-27T13:36:00.000+10:00

still listening to Coil's 'The Angelic Conversation'

Ive ordered Thighpaulsandra's 'I, Thighpaulsandra' & cant wait for it to arrive.
There is so much comfort to be had from music.

I still feel crap. Even 300mg DHC hasnt picked me up which is very unusual. Oh well, I couldnt give a fuck today.

Ive been trying to rekindle my interest in the Scott Peterson murder trial that I was obsessed with for ages. Now the defense is close to wrapping it up & the verdict is nigh but I dont seem to care anymore. I used to passionately believe he was guilty, I still do think he is guilty ... but I am no longer outraged by the murder of a young woman by her husband just because she was in the way of his 'On the Road' by Jack Kerouac lifestyle that he hankered after.

Blah ....

2004-10-26T21:37:00.000+10:00

going from bad to worse as today has gone on. Thought about catching the bus. Felt everything was completely pointless. I hope this is a temporary glitch & not it setting in again. Ive still got a couple of weeks for the Effexor to do its work so some ups & downs might be expected.

Saw my pdoc yesterday

2004-10-26T14:50:00.000+10:00

my old pdoc seemed to be confused by the hospital pdocs taking me off Tegretol - their reasoning was I was having an allergic reaction & Im not bipolar but my old pdoc doesnt seem to want to give up on that diagnosis. I hope he isnt going to try to put me back on mood stabilisers as I dont think I need them.
He agreed with me about staying on 200mg of Seroquel rather than 400 just for sleep & anxiety when there are other effective & much cheaper meds that Ive already been using responsibly for a couple of years.

Last night we went out for dinner on a spontaneous decision while we were out getting some groceries & it was great. A lovely meal, nice restaurant & no anxiety at being out etc. Life has certainly picked up for me since my hospital sojourn.
Seeing my old pdoc again next week & the next until I go back in.
Slept well without chemical aid last night but that's no indication of anything - I have those nights regularly too.

Emailed my sister today & told her I was in the hospital for a few weeks. I played up the allergic reaction reason rather than my state of mental health because she freaks out about my depression (due to dear old dad's suicide).

Currently Listening

Coil 'The Angelic Conversation'

Day 1 on the outside

2004-10-23T13:07:00.000+10:00

Last night took 2 immovane with 2mg Rivotril & slept well. Woke up this morning & went splat.

I managed a short walk but that hasnt helped the mood at all. What this is about I dont know but I think it must be a psychological reaction - too quick for med poop-out. Also the fact that I did manage to make & eat breakfast & take a walk suggests I could be overreacting to just not feeling as happy as I did yesterday. Yesterday was an unusual day that inspired strong positive feelings due to being out of hospital & home & with my loved ones (DD & the cats).

Currently Listening

Chopin Polonaises complete.
Op 26 is one of my absolute favourite pieces of music of all time

The Plan

2004-10-22T21:59:00.000+10:00

Im supposed to check back into the hospital on November 14 to begin the intensive
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) http://www.depressionet.com.au/treatments/talking/cbt.html
program as well as evaluate my response to the meds. The progam lasts for 3 weeks as an inpatient then the 4th week as a day patient. From everything Im told it is an excellent program that should allow me to effect some real changes in my thinking patterns. Im hoping this will provide me with some heavy artillery to combat those thought processes that are the early warning signs that a depressive episode could be beginning. It seems these 'ruminative' thoughts are one of the avenues through which the depression takes hold ... or something like that.

Yikes!!!

2004-10-22T21:15:00.000+10:00

Checked out this morning
& went to fill my scripts to find that a single box of 60x200mg Seroquel costs $330!!!!! Now keep in mind that the professor decided yesterday quite casually to double my dose of Seroquel from 200mg to 400mg to aid with my persisting sleeping & anxiety problem. What is wrong with these people????? Why does it not occur to them to ask if I can fucken afford a $330 box of meds each month on top of the Lamotrigine that costs $200 + the rest of my meds. I think I will stay on 200mg Seroquel & rely on cheaper meds for anxiety & to augment my sleepers.

The Rivotril this morning worked really well for my anxiety; much better than xanax surprisingly. Why that is surprising I dont really know but somehow I have always been under the impression that xanax was the drug for anxiety.
I felt really good & after lunch at home we went out to buy some new furniture for the bedroom. I really enjoyed driving & being out; & the shops & crowds didnt bother me at all. It felt so good ... & normal!!! It's been such a long time since Ive felt that way.
By this evening though I started to find myself running a little ragged - all the street noise, talking, the television, felt like they were crowding in on me & overloading my senses. The very low stimulus environment of the hospital & my room for the last 3 weeks has cocooned me a bit too much & I think I need to ease myself back into life 'on the outside' a little more gently than today.

Goddamnit!!

2004-10-21T19:08:00.000+10:00

ok, the more I think about the increase in Seroquel & addition of Rivotril the day before I leave the more I think I may have been a little hasty in refusing to stay a few more days. Sigh ... well at least I will be seeing my old pdoc on Monday & can phone my pdoc here if I need to. I will be back here in about 3 weeks to do the cbt depression program so its not like Im on my own with this now. If the increase is too much I will drop it back to 200mg & try to make do with the Rivotril. In fact I think I would prefer it that way to start with but will be getting the new dose tonight. Hmmm .... better finish packing sooon methinks.

No music today - too anxious.
I wonder how Marc is doing .....

Clusty the Clustering Engine

2004-10-21T12:32:00.000+10:00

Clusty the Clustering Engine

this is an excellent new search engine that really adds an impressive ability lacking in Google. Give it a try on something that would return a fairly large result set

Visit Pippi Langkous' blog. politics as a bloodsport * paranoia * technical writing * books .

2004-10-21T12:21:00.000+10:00

Pippi Langkous

Be reminded that its not just you whose fucked; it's the whole world

Last day on the ward

2004-10-21T10:42:00.000+10:00

bad sleep last night. After my 2mg xanax ration had been used up by later afternoon I had nothing to augment my Immovane. Obviously sleep was not forthcoming. Couple that with one of the patients deciding to throw a loop last night I havent had much sleep. Ive had all today's ration of xanax already & its not touching the sides!
Saw the prof & my pdoc along with a couple of students & tried to be assertive about the sleep issue likening going from rohypnol to immovane like from the sledge-hammer to a feather pillow but the prof wasnt buying it. They ended up giving me Rivotril for the anxiety - never had this one before so we will see. He also decided to double the seroquel to 400mg which seems huge to me. He also asked if i would like to stay a bit longer till the sleeping is sorted out but I just DONT WANT TO. Although I dont like leaving with that all up in the air & that huge increase.

Was asked to speak to some med students again at 1pm. It usually helps pass the time so I dont mind doing that.

My Personality Disorder test results. Seems Im somewhat schizoid

2004-10-20T15:19:00.000+10:00

Currently Listening

2004-10-20T15:04:00.000+10:00

Terry Riley 'Persian Surgery Dervishes'

Chocolate Depression: 2nd last day on the ward

2004-10-20T13:34:00.000+10:00

Chocolate Depression: 2nd last day on the ward

Currently Listening

2004-10-20T11:59:00.000+10:00

listening to A Produce 'Reflect Lika Mirror, Respond Like an Echo'. Its got a bit of an anxious pace to it so Im putting on Lisa Gerrard & Pieter Bourke 'Duality' disc 1. much more calming until that x kicks in.
Slept through the first CBT session today which is a huge piss off because that was the only class I was really interested in doing & they wont let anyone join in who misses the start.
My Pdoc recommended I do the 3 week anxiety & depression program they offer here which is supposed to be 9-5 each day intensive CBT oriented practical stuff. Sounds good. Lord knows I couldnt face another depression like this one again. Gotta bring out all weapons to fight this one & keep it at bay.

2nd last day on the ward

2004-10-20T11:38:00.000+10:00

2 more days before I get out of this place. 3rd day off tegretol has me trembling all over like Katherine Hepburn. Gotta go get a xanax soon because the anxiety seems to be setting back in like a bitch. I had no idea the tegretol was keeping some of that at bay.

Bad news for Marc Almond fans:
18 October 2004Marc Almond was involved in collision between a car and a motorcycle yesterday and is currently in hospital in London. He was the passenger on the motorcycle and suffered serious injuries. Last nigh the underwent emergency surgery and today is in intensive care where his condition remains critical.We will bring you updates on his condition as soon as possible. We're all very shocked at this news and ourthoughts, as we know yours will be, are with Marc and his family right now.If you wish to send a message for Marc please use the following address: thinkingofyou@marcalmond.co.uk

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My View

At the time I loved all the Soft Cell stuff but listening to it now is excruciating at times due only to the horridly dinky little keyboard sound that most outfits of that type used at the time. I was also disappointed when I found out only a few years ago that Tainted Love was a cover & not written my Almond or Ball.
Still Marc became something of a hero for me once I read his first (auto?)bio. I had thought the years long drug binges of Dave Stewart were truly herculean until I read about Marc's. That guy must have had scrambled egg for brains after some years but bounced back so well & reinvented himself as a kind of torch song singer along the likes of Jacques Brel who is truly
magnificent if you've never had the pleasure of listening to him. 'Amsterdam' is one of my faves.
Unfortunately I havent been able to get my hands on much of the work Marc Almond has done over the last few years except the work with Coil another of my most favourite outfits ................. .......... are you shivering???