The Thin Veneer of Civilised Life

I know the whole world is talking about the disaster in New Orleans but I felt I have to say something about what is happening to a number of people there. The roving gangs of looters - I can understand looting. The motive is greed. Ordinary good people Im sure often feel greed. But rape? The gangs are targeting young women & raping them. What is that all about? Is this a male thing that its only that thin veneer that keeps a small percentage of them of just raping women?

If anyone is reading, your opinions are welcome

Eek!

got my liver function blood tests back on Friday & I think those cold water extraction methods may exaggerate the degree to which the paracetemol/acetamenophen can be filtered out. Im glad I started on the program. The doc said 'you may be a suitable candidate for treatment' (*** name the movie that was subtitled with that phrase ***). Not with my history of depression I wouldnt.
Im not feeling as 'perky' as I was at the beginning of the week. The doc put my bup up to 10mg, I didnt even feel it this time so I imagine the 'high' period is over.

I think I forgot my morning meds on Wed because I woke up Thursday morning with uncontrollable trembling & my teeth were clattering together so hard I thought they would break. I was hyperventilating & got a paper bag to breathe in but it didnt help. After about 1/2 I wondered if I should call an ambulance. Then I remembered I had not been sure about the med box for Wed morning. When I had gone to take them the compartment was empty & I was really sure I had not taken them. I took my morning meds & 4mg xanax & some phenergan & in about 30 mins I was starting to settle down.
That fucking lamotragine will do you in powerfully if you forget & take double or none of the dose!

Things are looking up!

well finally there is some light at the end of the tunnel that is not the headlights of an oncoming train (guess the poet I stole that line from - nobody bothered with my previous 'guess challenge'.)
The wife left for overseas yesterday so its nude tap dancing while eating gallons of icecream for the next 2 weeks for me!! Yeah, the icecream part is believable but not the rest.
But! I have taken a turn for the better. The addition of a small dose of cipramil to my avanza had me dancing the dying swan routine from the nutcracker suite while singing songs from Oklahoma. Now, my pdoc may call that hypomania but I call it an expression of joy at finally feeling the dawn of myself 'rebecoming' (partial novel/book ref there to guess if you're up to it dear reader).
Also got myself on the bup program so no more trolling the pharmacies for otc drugs I can cook up into a bare bones juice that barely touched the edges.

Words

This is such a difficult medium. Its too easy to say things that seem
all wrong to whoever reads them because you're both talking about something
different. There are no other signals that we usually rely on. I think Im
going to refrane from posting comments on other people's blogs as Ive already
managed to alienate 2 people & its not like I frequent a lot of blogs.


"Smile an everlasting smile, a smile can bring you near to me.
Don't ever let me find you down, cause that would bring a tear to me.
... Talk in everlasting words, and dedicate them all to me...
I'm here if you should call to me ... You think that I don't even mean
a single word I say. It's only words, and words are all I have
..."

Guess the song I ripped this from

Happy Birthday part 2

Every year since leaving home, a bit over 25 years, my sister has always called me up on my birthday. This year she didnt. I got a very brief email a few days later saying basically 'happy birthday'. Since Ive been depressed she has been extremely distant. Ive received 2 phone calls from her in the last couple of years. The last call was because there was something wrong with her computer. Its not even that its a long distance call etc. She lives about a 40 minute drive away. I miss her kids, they are growing up so fast at their age. I wish she would make an effort sometimes. I could count on one hand the number of times she has come to visit me in the last 10 years. Before I got sick I would drive over at least once per month to see them. One part of my thinks it's because she's scared when Im depressed that I will kill myself as I did make an attempt during my 1st period of depression about 25 years ago but none since then. Also I accidently OD'd at my mothers place when staying there for a few months & before my sister had left home. I think she thought it might have been deliberate but it wasnt.
I wish my sister cared about me. She tells me she loves me when we talk. When we used to talk. I get the occasional email that is just very matter of fact & perfunctory. I refuse to be a victim in this & am trying to distance myself from my expectations in regard to this. She is the way she is. Does she love me? I dont know. Maybe she does as much as she is able. We both have some pretty bad emotional battle scars from our childhood

Happy Birthday part 1

had my birthday since my last post. It was surprisingly pleasant. Usually I loathe it & refuse to go along with any acknowledgment of it (apart from the presents that is).
My best friend L came over with her gf L (yes 2 of them) & their 3 year old son. My friends gf gave me a throw she had hand quilted herself. Usually I dont find them very appealing, the patchwork things, but this one was mainly dark green which is my favourite colour & there were different textures in a lot of the patches & it was so well made I felt so honoured that she gave it to me.
Then I started thinking about it & realised that my friend & I kind of stopped the obligatory birthday present thing years ago with the occasional gift only. The gf & I barely know each other.
In the past Ive seen & experienced my friend insisting very strongly for days on end that she be allowed to give one of my belongings to someone else as a present to a friend of hers because 'it is just so perfect for them'. Years ago I had a jacket that she decided would be the most perfect birthday present for someone I barely knew & eventually just get some peace I gave in. (Things would be very different today).

Anyway I started to feel bad because this patchwork throw must have taken a long time to make so perfectly & Im sure the gf wouldnt have done it with me in mind as the recipient. Also she had an extremely subdued reaction to how impressed I was & my joy in receiving such a beautiful gift. I hope that's not what happened. I did fix her laptop for her so it could be that she had already made it & decided to give it to me but that doesnt explain her strange response & mood.

Avanza kicking in

Ive been taking the Avanza for about 3 weeks I think now & there is a bit of a shift happening. Im not going back to bed during the day & dont feel the overwhelming need to be dead anymore. Well not to the degree I had been recently. Of course the doc is still recommending the ect but now Im hoping the avanza will stall that option. From the experience of the last couple of years the beneficial effect will wear off after a period of several weeks or a few months & then Im back where I started. Its all so boring. If I can force myself to pick up a brush then painting will produce its own momentum with me & I am away from myself for a while. The past couple of weeks I couldnt keep on even when I managed to make a start

God Fuck!!

I cant stand it, Ive fallen down the black hole tonight. Im so tired of fighting this fucking thing which is me. I feel a great need to be dead. Im sure that's not normal. Im trying to convince my SO that Im ok so she can leave me & go overseas to her homeland for a couple of weeks or so. Her dad is very sick with cancer & probably hasnt got long. She's insisting that she cant leave me & Im trying to tell her she can. I'll be ok, Im doing well, I can get the outreach people or community nurse to come in & check on me etc etc. Ive just about got her convinced but now Im going downhill Im finding it hard to hide. Im doing desperate, pathetic things like trying to get as much codeine without the evil extras into me as possible but its no longer helping

Have you ever been Shocked?

If you've had ECT or someone close to you has would you be so kind as to leave a comment here on its effect?

Im not going well, the depression is eating away at me. Most days over the last couple of weeks I go back to bed & staying there. My doc is at a loss for med options - we've been through them all. He always comes back to the ECT option. Im not as violently opposed to it as I was.
Lately Ive begun to think maybe I should give it a go. Plenty of other depressed people do it. When I was in the hospital half the people on the ward were having it. I asked a few of them if they thought it was helping. They all stared off into the distance for a little while before saying: "I dont know". That wasnt very encouraging.

From what Ive read the problem I think I will face, apart from the memory loss around the time of the shocks; will be the beneficial effect wearing off. Apparently all people having it have to have some sort of maintenance treatment to avoid relapse. This is usually antidepressants but for me, we already know the fucken drugs dont work so that will leave me with maintenance ECT. That's not going to be fun. I wont be able to go back to work but it could be that at least I wasnt feeling like Im already dead.

I have something resembling a phobia when it comes to hospitals & doctors doing there thing with me. There have been a couple of occasions in the past when Ive lost it seeing a doc approach me with a needle & Ive lost control & kicked them in the testicles. It was just a survival mechanism kind of response in me. I felt really bad about it after. They both slapped me too! I would need to be heavily sedated before they started their thing on me. Before putting me on the gurney, before wheeling me into the electric chamber & putting in IVs. I didnt talk to them about that when I was there & they were asking me if I would consider it.

All I know is I really dont want to fucking have it. The general anaesthetics, the shocks, the brain damage that according to some studies does sometimes especially if you arent really young can be permanent. Im talking about lingering memory loss & some loss of cognitive ability

Falling Down

yesterday I felt worse than I have in a long time. It was such an unbearable feeling just being here, living. No amount of pills helped. I ended up just going to bed with my headphones on & try to get into the music or just try to focus enough to even hear it. I use organic beatless ambient for those times but I found I couldnt focus on it much for it to help. I think if I was a slasher I would have really damaged myself yesterday. Ive never done that - I wonder if it does help with the torment.

For Cat Lovers 

Comments People Make

blogger emails me when someone leaves a comment. It contains the text of the comment & the name of the poster but it doesnt fucken let me know which post it is in reply too! If its to an old post I have to check through each & every post trying to find the comment. This is a pain in the arse & a major flaw in bloggers functionality.
However, please dont let this stop anyone from making comments on old posts. It kind of makes me feel as if I really exist when people stop by & comment.

Paul Hester RIP

I just found out a couple of days ago that Paul, the drummer from Crowded House hung himself in the park near his home. This park is very near to me so it makes me feel a little closer to him at the time he must have taken his life. Went out to walk the dogs as usual then hung himself. I can understand doing that, the torment that pushes you to that but it is such an incredibly selfish act. The "loved ones" never get over it.
If anyone reading my blog feels that they are about to suicide please ring your doctor or go to the emergency room at the hospital. The desire to die will pass just like everything else. Try to remember you didnt always feel this way so you wont continue to feel this way forever. Im babbling so will stop now but please, whoever reads this, dont do it.

FUCK!

I cant take anymore of this

The Abyss is opening up again

Im going downhill, I can feel it. Im also being harrassed by someone at my old employer . Im still officially employed just out on sick leave & this bitch is demanding access to my medical records.

blah

Im pretty fucked up these last few days. Been taking to my bed in the afternoons. Im out of narcotics but they werent really helping much anyway lately. That's a bad sign. Im not particularly suicidal just sliding down the black hole.
Someone else has closed his blog. He was in so much pain. I hope he finds some peace.

Currently Watching

Home Room. It made me cry. I never cry. I must have been feeling sentimental.
Not bad, well acted & edited. 6/10 from me.

Hunter S. Thompson R.I.P.

Its Boring

someone on blogexplosion rated every area of my blog a 1 with an overall comment: 'boring'. Lord! Boring doesnt get even close. If it were only boring, that I could stand. No, it's not boring. It's a yawning cavern of complete & utter meaninglessness! Boredom is sublime in my world.
They liked my choice in music though.

Why does evey post need a title?

Saw the pdoc this morning. He is so good. After a 20 years of psychiatrist horror stories I finally find a true man of science & man of reason. Unfortunately also he seems set on the idea that I am bipolar. Not the classic bipolar that is the new userfriendly name for manic-depression. No, there are new, controversial classifications now within the field.
Some rogues are saying there are bipolar spectrum illnesses. That means my depression is not plain old unipolar depression. Its something that needs other lines of treatment. Mood stabilisers. Before hospital late last year I tried several one after the other. They all made me piss myself to some degree. Also I have one eye that doesnt work very well & these meds made it start to turn: have a life of its own. If these things were not enough to make me depressed psychologically I dont know what is. Oh & the uncontrollable trembling of my hands made painting impossible - well I suppose I could still slap paint on paper but it just wouldnt be the same.

Today he brought up the mood stabilisers again. He has shown me some literature on bipolar depression & it does sound uncannily like me goddamn it! Ive only had the pleasure of being manic when its been drug induced but this also fits. Antidepressants have a few times given me a day or 2 of a really good high. He said I had every right to feel cheated having never had the amazing highs to go with the lows that full bipolar people do.

Ive started a very small ssri dose today to see if it will bump me up a bit. I managed to eat 2 pieces of fruit today but after I came home around midday I went to bed & spent the rest of the day sleeping. I havent done that for a very long time.

The wife, who isnt going OS it seems; cooked dinner. She does everything. It must be so hard on her. I was always the taking care kind of one in the relationship. I would do most of the cooking. It would really kill me if this drove her away.

Jhonn Balance R.I.P.

Jhonn Balance of Coil passed away due to an accident at home in November last year. I just discovered this tragic information & even though Im a few months late I want to send my condolences to his loved ones & the other fans of his work.
"Musick to Play in the Dark Vol 1" is one of my favourite albums of all time.
"... are you loathesome tonight? ..." "... your madness shining bright ..."
Are You Shivering & Broccoli are beautiful atomospheric works.

This is also one of my favourites:
"Unnatural History II, Smiling in the Face of Perversity"

It seems to still be available from amazon at least:



There will be no more.

the darkness descends again

god whats going on I feel so tormented by the horrors of life & I cant
turn it off or distract myself because the thought of pain, suffering
& anguish wont leave me. I feel as if Im living on borrowed time. The time
is ticking by & I dont know exactly when the horror will start, only that it will.
I am ruled by fear. I didnt always feel like this. Back when I was doing lots of
yoga & meditation these things & possibilities didnt fill me with dread.

Currently Listening

Im really enjoying listening to Jorge Ben an old album from the early 70's that's been re-released I think. Its a mix of Brazillian funk with loads of 70's & 80's African funk beats. If you like African funk & Brazillian music you will love this one.



whats up with amazon's image sizing? Its gone haywire!
Well, I wont ad anymore until its fixed. But how long am I supposed to wait Lord knows one day someone might actually want to buy a copy of the cd or whatever I link to & I would miss out on my 2c commission.


Managing to make myself do a bit of exercise is a good sign. Hopefully Im starting one of my good periods!

Currently Watching

as the fluid build up in my feet has become hideous & moving is very uncomfortable (not that I do much moving) I watched a few movies yesterday.

Exorcist, The Beginning
I like the lead actor Stellan Skarsgard. The story is about the discovery of an
ancient temple to satan. Archaeologists uncover the temple & predictably the demon & all kinds of mayhem ensue. Its made well enough, acting is good, script is ok. Its just pretty ordinary. Worth the effort on tv when there is nothing better to choose from. My advice is dont pay to see it. Overall from me 6/10

Alien Vs Predator
This was better than I thought it would be. Dan O'Bannon has writing credits on this
& he did on the original Alien movie. There is an interesting back story that is
only very basically explored as an idea to hang the action & fight scenes on. Its
also ok to watch on free to air or downloaded when there's nothing else on. Its reasonable entertainment, well made, well acted & well edited. Overall Id give it 6/10.


Yesterday I bent down to give my cat a scrinch & heard that unmistable sound of the arse seam in your pants ripping all the way up (& down). That was my last pair of pants that fit. I am more fat than I have ever been in my entire life

I knew it wouldnt last

everytime I start to feel a little bit better I try not to cling on to the hope that this time I wont slide back down the chute into the shitpool I find myself in most of the time. Its not normal to desire death, I know that. Im not actively suicidal but I just cant think of anything that makes this thing called living so special that people cling to it so tightly.
Im going to have to back off on the meds a bit; Ive got fluid retention so bad when I walk I feel like the skin on my feet is going to split. It's not a nice sensation. I dont need physical discomfort on top of the mental.
I try to take an interest in other people that have caught my attention & I find something or other special about them. That keeps me being totally self absorbed. Catching up & reading gets to be a bit of an effort at times & then I fall out of touch. I dont want to do that. I read other blogs & I usually dont comment unless I feel a connection. I worry that I have a tendency to lecture people when I comment & I hate it when people do that to me. Advice is fine if you've been where I am. In fact it can be very helpful & I appreciate it when people who have had similar experiences give it. When people who think depression is just a matter of 'putting on a happy face' or 'faking it till you make it' need to educate themselves a little before offering their platitudes.

The meds

Im up to 110mg of nortriptyline & its not making much difference. Not so far anyway. Im not too bad these last several days though. Been managing to get some painting done occasionally & that always helps me feel much better. The new DHC supply isnt making that much difference either. I think I need to save my drugs for my really low periods when they are most needed & most efficacious in every way (name that tune!!).

I just found out the wife may be going overseas again for work! She always frets & worries about this & leaving me alone etc whereas I feel like Im about to explode with excitement at the thought of the house all to myself. I can spread my paints, brushes & other accoutrements about the place with wild & gleeful abandon! I wont wash my hair. I will wear the same clothes day in day out. I wont eat real food just icecream!!! That's one where I will have to do a lot of convincing that I will eat properly. I will let my cat lick my plate or bowl whenever she likes. Yay!!! All the movies I want to see. All the music I love & she hates I will play LOUDLY! Whoohooo!!! Party time!
Lets keep our fingers crossed that it all pans out

Saw my pdoc yesterday

we are going to keep increasing the nortriptyline as far as I can tolerate it past 100mg. Last time this happened I didnt even get past 90mg before I had this continuous crushing sensation in my chest. As if someone was standing on it. Very unpleasant because it just wouldnt let up for a minute.
Im feeling so much better anyway due to a new supply of vaguely narcotic pills. These are my wonder cure for depression. While they last I will have some semblance of a life.

Have to get some blood levels done. Liver - hope its a lot less unhappy than the last tests showed. Thyroid - to see if the reduced dose of thyroxine has brought tsh & the levels back down to a more normal count.

Ive got to go to the bank. Ive needed to for 2 weeks. A late tax return cheque. Money for god's sake & I still cant get it together to deposit it.

Meds update

I keep forgetting or cant be bothered to update what I am now taking (prescribed that is). Ive gone up to 100mg (as of last night, was on 90 for 3 days prior) on nortriptyline, 300mg on seroquel.
The increase in nortriptyline has given me bad fluid retention - my fingers are all swollen & I can get my shoes on. Im taking 20mg of lasix but it doesnt seem to help. I remember last time I got up to this dose the fluid retention was scary. The tops of my feet had a huge bubble of fluid on them, I could even feel my scalp all stretched by the fluid there. ergh very disgusting & uncomfortable.

I suppose I dont really have to mention that the increase doesnt seem to be helping with the depression. Maybe I need an ssri in there too. Im seeing my doc tomorrow & will see what he thinks.

My body hurts

Ive run out of all pills of a narcotic nature. I am in withdrawal. I cant think of anything else to write. Here's another trackback link to Craig:
http://web.aanet.com.au/neuraxon77/wp-trackback.php/79

I have no idea what one is supposed to do with them

I am feeling a lot better since last night.

Still Here

how the hell do these trackback things work?
anyway here's one that went backatcha
http://web.aanet.com.au/neuraxon77/wp-trackback.php/76

Maybe it wasnt the Effexor

Ive had it. Im overcome with the desire to top myself. I cant see the point in hanging on anymore it just gets worse. Its over 2 years now. I cant even paint today. What has always stopped me before is my partner & how awful it would be. I dont care anymore. Ive reached a level of selfishness I didnt know I had in me but how long can I live like this just for the benefit of the people in my life.
Some might say I should go back into the hospital if I feel like this. I tell you most days I could have been dead for over 8 hours before anyone in there would have noticed & I would rather do it there so no loved one has to find me so I dont think hospital is a safe place unless its the ICU which Im not fucking interested in going back to. Being treated like a deranged infant. Fuck that. Fuck me. Fuck you.
I dont know whether to post this but it is my blog & this is my life today right now. If you dont like it dont read it!

Im still standing ...

Thanks Gabe, getting the auto-email from your post made me feel good & got me back posting. Took me a week but it gets easier once I put finger to key (I wanted to say pen to paper but that doesnt apply anymore. How do we say it now? Finger to key? Finger tip to tap?). Anyway I digress.
How have I been? Im 4 or 5 days off Effexor. Took about 3 weeks to go from 600mg to nothing. No horror withdrawal symptoms that I was led to expect from what I read all over the net. My pdoc said coming off the XR (time released) version of it is not bad; it's the non-extended release version of the drug that produces the severe withdrawal.
I do have some discomfort - all over body soreness & the strange buzzing tingling sensation in my hands that I got when I went up from 450mg to 600mg of Effexor.
The last couple of weeks my mood hasnt been to bad in a way yet Ive been unable to function. Been taking to my bed in the early afternoon. Couldnt get a shower for about 2 weeks - makes me feel ashamed to admit that but it is a good indicator of my level of functioning.

The last 3 or 4 days Ive started painting again but that coincides with me getting my hands on some hydro. Even thought its nowhere near as effective as dhc on my mood it does provide some help.

Post Effexor Comments on it's effect on suicidal ideation:
now Im off the drug my suicidal thoughts have returned to the kind Ive been used to dealing with when Im depressed. I can say without any doubt that while taking the drug my suicidal thoughts took on an extreme quality that I have never experienced even when at my most suicidal. What I mean by this is that even though I may have been very close to deciding to top myself in the past the thoughts/compulsion/urge never resembled the nature of those thoughts/urges while on Effexor. It was a completely different experience & it was extremely powerful.
I think anyone taking this drug should be very careful if they start to experience suicidal thoughts that are different in quality to those they may be used to experiencing & handling effectively when very depressed. Talk to your doc immediately. If you get a 'drugs cant cause thoughts' response dont dismiss the possibility that the med is doing this to you. I got this from the doc treating me with the Effexor but when I talked to my old pdoc he said that 'we know some of these drugs can increase suicidal thoughts'. If you start having overwhelming suicidal feelings/urges talk to your doc asap & if you think it's pushing you to the edge my advice is tell him you want to stop taking it immediately.


The Plan:
Thursday I start duloxetine (called cymbalta in USA). Not sure what dose. Im not placing much hope on it but from what Ive read it is a very powerful Noradrenaline as well as Serotonin (we call norepinephrine noradnaline here) reuptake inhibitor which is something new & different. Effexor is only a mild norepinephrine rui & the Prof tells me that it is this neurotransmitter that is now being thought of as playing a greater role in depression (maybe only some kinds I seem to recall him saying something like that).
Its this aspect that makes me bother giving it a go.

Currently Watching

2001 A Space Odyssey.

Im a bit shocked to see 10 days has gone by since my last entry! 600mg Effexor does truly scary things to the memory & powers of cognition. Ive been down to 450mg since Monday & feel like my mind is back online.
So far no withdrawal problems apart from migraines. I have drugs that work very well for those but cant take them frequently or I start bleeding internally. I may have to see my pdoc at the hospital for something else if they continue. None of the dreaded 'electric shocks' Ive read about but there is a long way to go yet.
Mood wise I have been very flat. Going back to bed in the early afternoon just to hibernate & make the time pass. Though under the influence of a hefty dose of codeine Ive manage to do a little painting at times which is huge - amazing how opiates lift even the most depressed a little higher.
Ive neglected my fellow bloggers that I like to keep up with so will have to make up for that.

Dave mentioned practicing his vipassana meditation helped so Im going to give it a go. I think the warnings against it when depressed are for those whose self-esteem etc are really fragile.

Thanks to all of you who dropped by & left a message - it really dose make a difference!

First Night Back Home

discharged from the hospital today. Im supposed to see how the next week being at home goes now Ive been on 600mg Efexor for a week. The last few days Ive lost all my energy & the shred of motivation & interest that I had. Im also day 2 off lamotrigine so maybe there is something going on there.
The Plan:
I go back in a week to see them & if Im not feeling any shift then I come off the Efexor & take part in a clinical trial for duloxetine aka Cymbalta in the USA where it's already through the DEA & being used. I hold out no hope for feeling better at all next week nor for this new drug.

Its weird being home. I went to bed for a couple of hours & just lay there. Then I got up & sat in my spot on the couch with my laptop on my knee. When my SO came home from work I just felt uncomfortable. I dont want to interact with anyone. I hate the hospital & now for the first time I hate being home. I feel like Im already dead.

Feeling better

As of Monday night my Effexor was put up to 600mg. Yesterday (Thursday) I felt a lot better & managed to go out & go to the post office & go home for a few hours later in the afternoon.
We went out for dinner & it was great, just the way things used to be before I got sick.

The food was excellent as usual at this place. I had grilled scampi on a bed of ruby red grapefruit, finely sliced fennel & baby sundried tomatoes with a citrus oil dressing. Mmmmmm
Then, for dessert I had the home made chocolate croissant with chocolate fudge sauce & creme anglaise, with a single scoop of homemade vanilla icecream. mmmmm
Its hard coming back to hospital food after treats like that

Update on the Tricky Situation

this guy & I had sorted out all the details & arrangements, quantities etc. We had the day agreed upon & I was going to give him a bit extra $ to cover his travel to & from a meeting place that I would choose & let him know the night before. I havent heard from him since then, the arranged day has come & gone & I never received an email agreeing to the negotiations or trying to change the way it would be done. This is odd because I would often receive 3 emails per day from him as we sorted out the details.
My guess is either his supplier couldnt come through or he was bullshitting me the whole time seeing how far Id go, most likely with the intention of getting me to give him my money with nothing in return.

Currently Listening

Godspeed You! Black Emperor 'The Dead Flag Blues'

Ive only recently discovered their music & LOVE it! Of course
this particular song is something of a depression mantra but it
resonates with me very strongly at this time & that's what makes
good music.
Cant be fucked doing an allmusic or amazon link for it yet so if you're
interested anyone out there either come back later or look it up for
yourself. It's described as symphonic 'post-rock'. Dont let the term
'rock' put you off. It's certainly not rock in any sense of the word.

Edited Feb 16 to put link in to F# A# Infinity album from which is the one the song appears on. This is pure genius in its unique voice.

Today

Here I am at the bottom of the lake, gently undulating among the weeds,
letting out the occasional bubble. My vision clouded by the silt stirred
up from the murky bottom. The bottom keeps getting deeper & I slowly sink
along with it.

Ive been watching the clip of Freddie Mercury (may he RIP) & Montserrat Cabal
singing Barcelona at the opening of the Barcelona olympics on repeat all day.
" I had this perfect dream ...." "... I wish my dream would never go away ..."

At least Ive gone beyond any capability of suicidal thought or action. I seem
to be slipping beyond any engagement with my world at all. Didnt go home on
Sunday for the day. That's usually been the highlight of my week. I didnt want
to get out of bed. I cant take it any more.
My Efexor has been increased to 525mg for several days now but Im plummeting
into the depression abyss. Saw my pdoc an hour ago & told him - he & the professor
will see me tomorrow & go over options. Of course ECT is their preferred option
for a rapid improvement. I told him about the seizure I had during the only
general anaesthetic Ive ever had which makes me fearful of them. He said
the anaesthetist would have to see me & decide if ECT would be an option
then. Needless to say I dont fancy the idea of it at all.